I never thought it would be hard for me to look at pictures of Mac when he was Nathan’s age, but it is. It’s even harder for me to scroll through old photos and videos of him at 9 months, 12 months, 18 months, 2 years. I see him sitting all by himself, tasting carrots for the first time (never mind that he doesn’t eat them now), learning to stack blocks, laughing hysterically when I tickle him, taking his first couple of steps, telling me “all gone” when he’s finished his Mightly Fine milkshake. It’s all so painful because I wonder if Nathan will ever do those things and if he does, what will it look like? Certainly different.
I pulled down a bag of Mac’s hand-me-downs since Nathan is finally starting to outgrow some of his 0-3 month clothes. It was a walk through memory lane. I remember him wearing the crab sweat suit at Orange Beach and the puppy romper when we met Daddy for lunch at Potbellys. I was looking forward to putting Nathan into some of those same super cute clothes until I got to the zipper sleepers.
I have a ton of them.
Stripped blues and greens with bears and monkeys and everything boy.
A wave of grief washed over me.
Nathan can’t wear zipper sleepers because of the stupid G-tube extension tube.
I set all of the zipper sleepers aside.
They’re just clothes and we have a ton of other snap sleepers that he can wear. All equally cute. But it just doesn’t seem fair that he can’t have something as simple as a zipper on his pajamas.
He could. I could cut a hole in the side for the tube to go through. But I don’t want to. I want him to be able to wear them exactly how every other typical baby would.
This is just the beginning of everything being different. I have a hard time with different. I am generally compliant and I want to fit in with the crowd. I want to do things the right way, and in the right order.
But God did not call me to compliance. That much is clear. He called me to a life radically different because of his Son. Now, unfortunately for me, but fortunately for Him, the One who deserves all the glory in this messed up world, our differences are going to be glaringly obvious to everyone else.
So here we go. We are walking forward into the unknown. Into the world of different. Walking day-by-day in the mercies God provides for that day alone.
And for now, I am going to enjoy each and every exhausting, messy-house, spit-up shirt, sleeping only in my arms day. Cause he’s a baby! Minus the zipper sleepers, he’s not much different than any other baby.
And if you know of anyone who needs 3-6 month zipper sleepers, please, please tell ’em to call me! I will gladly let these zippers bless another sweet baby!
This sleeper is a gift from GiGi. No hand-me-downs in this picture.
My book, Beauty in Broken Dreams: A Hopeful Handbook for the Early Years as a Special Needs Parent, is now available on Amazon!
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